Hello, Kitty

My wife and I have been married for 14 years and have 2 tween-aged girls. Shes’s a stay-at-home mom, treats me like a king, our kids are happy, etcetera etcetera. The one complaint I have with her is that she is super up-tight in the bedroom and only opens her legs for me 2-3 times a month when we used to go at it 2-3 times a day! And not only that, but we were high school sweethearts and I was her first and only partner so her skills are pretty limited and she refuses to try anything external of the missionary position. Whenever I try to introduce something new she pushes me off of her. I’m tired of beating off to pornos, and I don’t want to step external of my marriage. What do I do?

Mr. Meatbeat

Hey Mr. Meatbeat,

So you want the wife to flexible it by, huh? I can step out of my body for a sec, speak for the men and give you a hearty “Don’t we all.” I’ve done absolutely no surveys on the topic, but I promise you that a lot of married guys are unhappy with the amount of tricks their woman performs in the bedroom. My confidential sources say that when the female says, “I do,” what she really means is “Whew. No more head! No more compulsory fucks!” Of course, that theory can swing both ways or not swing at all, but be aware. Another possible root of your problem could be that she’s just exhausted from treating you like a king, chasing Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus around the house, and fucking you for the past 14 years. The missionary position can be extremely relaxing to a woman who’s on her feet all day, and your lady probably enjoys sprawling out on the bed for a few minutes.

And Mr. Meatbeat, have you ever considered that Mrs. Meatbeat just doesn’t want a penis inside of her all the duration? Yeah yeah, I know about the birds and the bees and all that, but the fact is that having a 6-inch distant, 1 ¼ inch wide piece of sausage inside of you is pretty invasive. And next you’re grinding and poking and…damn, the girl may just want to let her pussy chill for a minute and regain it’s elasticity or something. Yeah, she should do a handstand by her man every now and soon after, but you can do your part to get her warmed up. Send the rugrats to a sleepover and commit a night to relaxation – which will secretly double as a night of sexation. You’ll need a bottle of wine (or vodka), mood lighting, massage oil, a plush robe, and one of those pornos you like so much. that night, treat your woman like a queen and hopefully your efforts will conclusion in some ability pussy. After a massage, a bath, and some wine it may outcome in a capability nap for her, but that’s why the kids are gone. Lay on the bed and watch a flick while you wait for her to wake up, start the process again and cross your fingers. whether that doesn’t work, you may have married a sexually timid woman. whether you love her, you’ll continue to defeat your meat while you try all of the subtle tricks to get her to loosen up. whether not, I know a few girls that you can sign – they’re very discrete and would be more than happy to give you what your schlong’s been lost.

Got a question? Email the Magic City Kitty.

Original post by Raina McLeod